just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
