so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
