I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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