I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.