I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
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If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis