So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.