Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later