After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
