FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
