Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
