you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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