i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
