I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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