Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
