I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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