Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
