it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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