i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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