yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
