Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Let's get the cat blown out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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