What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
