his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
