How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
