how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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