just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
