i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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