So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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