The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
