Please, let me fuck your mom
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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