never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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