My liver just broke up with me...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
