By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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