hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You have to summon your inner elephant
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
