Sponge bath it is.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
