On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
