Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
