honey bunches of taint.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
