It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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