after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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