Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
