I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
