Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
