I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
