Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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