In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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