So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
