Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
