You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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