Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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