I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
