She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We talked him into tasing himself.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
