your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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