If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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