Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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