if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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