She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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