i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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