I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
