They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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